We had our long awaited appointment today for Grace. She was going to see a pediatric gastro. guy regarding her digestion issues. I wonder if it take 3 months to get in just because the Dr. is so animated in discussions and people want a giggle so they choose him? He literally showed me several ways in which she could be holding her poo with facial expressions to match!

We were going to rule out Hirschsprung's disease. I guess the good news is that she does not seem to have that. However, good news or not that would have been the quickest fix to her problem. It would have meant a surgery to remove part of colon. Does not sound "easy", but definately quicker.

The issue we are dealing with is withholding. The withholding is a result of a traumatic experience around the time of potty training, most likely. She has taught herself to do that in response to the urge to go poo. That has created a plethera of problems within her body.

He needed to do a little internal exam in that region, if you know what I mean, and she was not letting him do what he needed to do. He said her strength was impressive! He actually said it was unreal how strong and powerful she was. (Girlfriend has been working her glutes for 4 years!) He said she has a very serious case. She is more secure than Fort Knox. She is strong willed and physcially strong which combined...not easy to "fix".

When he was questioning me about what events were going on at the time of potty training, I got choked up, knowing the cause. It is the only logical explanation. We were training her so we'd only have one child in diapers. She was doing alright. We were getting there. And then our world got flipped upside down. Our baby that we talked about EVERY single day, the baby the kids talked to through my belly to EVERY night, the baby we so EAGERLY counted down to "birth day"...well that baby died. And a part of us died too.

I was a complete wreck of a mom to her. I cried all the time. My kids walked by me warily gauging my emotions. Is it a good time? Not a good time? She really needed me and I was not there for her the way she needed me to be. I just wasn't. I could not help it. I was utterly and totally devastated and sad beyond belief. And then 6 months later there was another baby on the way. We were happy, sad, nervous, anxious....the girl really must have been more lost than I was. Needless to say, I feel completely guilty and sick inside today. Our little girl was just trying to control something in an uncontrollable world.

And it has turned into this. Frustrated parents. A tarnished self esteem from everyone getting down on her. Embarrassment about everyone talking about her "issues". Teasing from peers. I can't even think of a single day that she gone through that she has not felt bad about herself for her bathroom issues. And it breaks my heart that there were plenty of times I could have been more understanding but I wasn't. I could have turned the other way and not lectured, but I did not.

I just feel so responsible for this whole mess. I feel like she really needed me and I let her down. She was so young when Beckett died...she could not understand and I could not control my despair and emptiness.

I told myself I could feel bad for all that has happened for just a short while today. Then, we need to gear up for a difficult 6 months to a year of helping her learn to not hold...and just let go:) I remind myself...she does not need surgery, she does not have cancer, she does not have serious medical conditions, she will not have to live with a bowel problem the rest of her life...this is treatable...this is fixable.

So, to all my readers that have contact with Grace...it is incredibly important that her "issues" are not discussed within ear shot of her hearing. No one can ask her how her "potty" is going. No one can pay her any attention even if you see her looking like she needs to use the restroom. She needs to figure this out on her own. Her body no longer knows what she needs to do and when. So we will be giving her high doses of laxative daily for 6 months to a year so there is absolutely no doubt in her mind of when she needs to visit the bathroom. Get your toilet brush ready Sher!! We are coming this weekend (LOL).

I guess it is off to Target to stock up on Miralax and undies:)!!!